Category: Let's talk
Has anyone of you been sheltered when your were younger and as a young adult because of your blindness? I am now 18 and my mom is not letting me go places without her going and it's getting on my nerves. How am I supposed to explore if I don't go out with friends and do things?
No, my mom and dad never did, they were afraid for me though, but... I'm quite the brave person. How I gained my independence is an extremely interesting story. It involves an accident, police after me, the whole city searching for me, and a very frustrated me doing something. Ask if you want to know. I was a freshman when this happened. It's kind of funny now I think of it.
I was never sheltered either and just told me to be careful.
Oh, yeah, My father done enough of that.
I was definitely sheltered because of my blindness. however, I finally decided I was tired of it and started speaking up for myself and doing things regardless of that fact. I realized that was no way to live life, and made changes for the better.
Yes, but I've learnt there is a limit, and there is certainly a way to speak up for yourself while being polite.
Yeah, I've been sheltered, but it seems to have gotten worse since I graduated. I hate to say this, but I think it's because my parents thought as long as I was at the school for the blind, I would be a good girl because the teachers would keep me in line. Of course that didn't happen, and the things some of them did I would only slightly hesitate to classify as verbal abuse, but that's a whole other topic...something for the rant board, perhaps? Anyway, now that I'm living with my parents they act like they don't want me to do anything, they act like they don't believe in a single thing I do, although in all fairness it's mostly my mom who's like that. I would try to prove otherwise, but my living situation doesn't allow for it.
I decided to move out; I planned it long and hard...and it was the best thing I've ever done.
The sad thing is that a lot of blind people aren't just sheltered, but hindered from becoming more independent. I used to work with a little blind girl who didn't know how to brush her teeth till age ten, and until then her mother brushed them. If her mother didn't have time, the girl would walk out the house with her teeth not previously brushed. And she didn't know how to use the microwave either. So when she had a full day off of school, all she ate was cereal because her brother wouldn't make anything for her. Yes, that's mean of her brother, but if she knew how to use the microwave at the time, that wouldn't have happened. Things like that just disgust me.
to the last poster, I was one of those hendered children...I didn't know how to zip a jacket or tie my shoes until I was 16...among other things. very sad indeed...
lol, and now I see you do all sorts of things even sighted people don't doo on there own.
Its stories like that which show how far one has come that are good for people in these situations to here.
The fact is that there are several blind people that will use this as an excuse. Its just a bit sad.
True, but in its own right I guess it's a form of sheltering, or more accurately coddling. It's basically a way for the parents to avoid uncomfortable situations such as their child making mistakes, becoming frustrated, or taking longer to do tasks that a sighted child picks up just by watching what the parent or their peers are doing. I was lucky enough to not have to experience a lot of that, but when I was younger if I got frustrated trying to do something, my dad would often just do whatever it was for me and say, "next time you'll get it." He meant well of course. But this carried over quite a bit, leading to me having a low frustration tolerance as an adult. I think if I take longer to do something, I must be a failure and a maladjusted blind person who's going to be viewed as a stereotype. I wish it wasn't that way, but when I attended Overbrook School for the Blind that view was reinforced by the fact I received a terrible education, not equal to that of sighted peers, and now feel like I wouldn't make it in college because usually if I didn't understand a homework assignment, I would just not do it. And of course, even if I didn't do homework, it was impossible to fail, because we were treated like no one ever expected us to go anywhere in life anyway, and the sad truth is a lot of the people I've known from there don't do anything with themselves. They get high, had kids at a young age, etc. There were other contributing factors, such as ongoing depression, but that's beside the point.
One aspect of my life that's sheltered by my parents which bugs the hell out of me is my socialization. For the most part it's not a problem with friends, but with my boyfriend who I've been with for almost a year. My sister was allowed to do pretty much whatever she wanted with her boyfriends by the time she was 16, this included sex and we're only 17 months apart. However my mom threw a fit the first time I said my boyfriend and I were going to sleep in the same bed. Finally when I pointed out how much of a hypocrite she was, she caved and said, "just don't let your father find out!" (I was 19 when this all happened! Ridiculous, huh?) So my dad did find out, but he didn't even care. He didn't say a word to me about it. I just wish my boyfriend's parents were the same way...I always get the sense that just because we're blind we're viewed as naughty children doing something we shouldn't. I hate to say that, but I've always had a knack for guessing what people were thinking, and 9 times out of 10 I'm right. It's the thing that frustrates me the most right now, because I feel like I'm not entitled to a normal relationship, and it might suffer if I can't change their minds. I'm 20 years old, and my boyfriend is 18, so we're both adults. I just wish more people treated me like one, and actually believed in me for a change.
I wasn't sheltered, but my parents were definitely realistic about the things I could and couldn't do. I was in swimming, gymnastics and girl scouts in elementary school. i was in track in middle school, and Spanish club and youth group in high school. My parents let me go out pretty much whenever I wanted, cause I was a good kid, and they knew I was trustworthy. My mom did ask me to move out, but that didn't happen til I was 27. We sold our house, and I got my first apartment. My mom or family will take me shopping, but I do everything else myself. I credit my being around the sighted world all my life with giving me my sense of independence. I also had great parents who were very supportive in pretty much everything I wanted to do. Not learning to tie your shoes til 16??. Wow, I thought I was a late shoe tier, cause I was in the third grade, that's pretty pathetic though as well!! For those with overprotective parents, just be straight with them. Especially if you're in high school or middle school. The younger you have this discussion with your parents, the better. Be polite, and do your best to get your point across without the discussion turning into a screaming match (I know, easier said than done). Still, it'll go more smoothly, if tempers stay relatively calm. When you have "the talk", don't be acusatory, like "You never let me go out with my friends." Instead, say something like: "mom/dad, I'm feeling sort of isolated, and I wanna do things more on my own." Or something to that effect. HTH.
BLW, Well-said! One of the hardest things to do is to have these discussions rationally. Another thing is to take small victories when you can get them. I was sheltered a good bit as a child, but I surprised my family by letting them see me do different things like folding a shirt, or moving furniture. That helped, but we sure had our share of arguments about independence, too.
Lou
In reply to post 13. Lucky you! I know I couldn't tie my shoes until I was 12 because no one really showed me how to until I went to Nan and Grandad's one weekennd and we were sat talking about the things I needed to learn to do. I didn't really do anything when I was younger because Mum and Dad never let me have friends round or anything and evenn after I started RNC 2 years ago, they still were'nt happy about me doing a simple thing like making toast when they weren't in the house. Some families are just ... Well I'm going to stay with my great nan tomorrow and she's pretty good. Well she even said herself that a lot of things she would expect a blind /partially sighted person to do at the same age as someone who is fully sighted, but some parents just don't let that happen. I could say a lot more, but I think I'll just shut up now before I fill the page. hahaha.
to the person who told their parents about wanting to sleep in the same bed with their bf, why would you do that in the first place? you're entitled to a normal relationship...and sometimes if that means keeping things to yourself...by all means...
Well, if she had somehow found out anyway, then I would have had to hear about it, so hear about it, so I figured honesty was better. Either way in that situation I would have had to take a lot of shit for it.
Fortunately, when I was in elementary school, I attended a mainstream school that had a classroom for the visually impaired. The students stayed on the same page as sighted peers in other classrooms; the only difference was that we were just well-accommodated. In kindergarten, we were taught how to tie shoes and zip jackets. The teachers made sure the students knew or learned how to do activities that their sighted counterparts generally know how to do.
I don't know how many mainstream schools have classrooms for the visually impaired, but I think it would be great to have. Then again, I lived in Detroit where there were and still are a plethora of blind and visually impaired people in one city/area, which I'm sure isn't too common.
Now I think of it I was sheltered but my father is overprotective just normal stuff even paren'ts with sighted children would do. I've broken loose because I campaign so hard. To tell you the truth, I am very much like Sirius Black in HP when it comes to dealing with parent's. Overprotecting children also has it's flaws.
I was hit over the head until I could tie my shoes.
Anyway though I haven't been sheltered, I know that there are many different ways that blind people are sheltered, and the reasons for the sheltering differ.
Protection is probably the most common reason. Blindness may not always be the only reason for the sheltering. Sometimes it is used to justify sheltering, and parents take advantage of their childrens' blindness, because their blindness makes it easier for their parents to shelter them. The sheltering may be for religious reasons.
Because the children are blind, they may be less mobile, or not have the confidence to visit friends etc. If they need help getting to their friends' houses, their parents can just refuse to take them there or make alternative arrangements.
Another form of sheltering occurs when parents don't fully understand the disabilities of their children. They accept tollerate things that wouldn't otherwise be tolerated, such as not being able to do certain things or behaving strangely. They think it is just because of the disability, and don't think they can or perhaps don't think they should try to change it.
i was never sheltered at all. yes, my parents were and still are afraid for me, that doesn't change no matter how old you are, or if you are or aren't sheltered, it's just what parents do. having said that, i'll try and explain it. while i was never sheltered and encarraged to do things for myself, my parents would always watch over me, (they still do now), but it always got lesser and lesser as i got older. i was never in a blind school, and i was never treated differently to other kids at any school i went to, (with the exception of how i did my school work of course). infact, i was the kid everyone picked on, and i mean everyone...you think of it, it was done to me. anyway, i barely survived school, but it helped me to become a much stronger, much independent person because of what i went through, and if i had have been sheltered, i would never have gotten the skills or know how to defend myself in the real world, wich, believe it or not, looking back on it now, i'm glad i was never sheltered from all that.
sometimes i wish my parents had sheltered me a bit more, but most of the time i'm glad that they didn't. now, i have a job, and while i still live at home with my parents, it's more like we're housemates, or room mates, cause i pay my way with everything, and i, for better terms, pay my own way through life. i honestly feel sorry for you guys who are sheltered, and hope that you can one day find your way to independence and in the end, a knowing of who you are as a person on your own terms, not on your parents.
i wasn't really sheltered, but i sometimes have problems when it comes to maintaining friends. why? because my parents sometimes shelter me in that respect. its like last year, i wanted to go with a friend to a concert and it was the day before my birthday and mom refused to let me go and boy i felt like it was the end of the whole world. I cried and was upset and all that and stood in my room upset because i couldn't go, and my brother then came and said "you could have gone but the thing is that all of the people who you will be with are guys and we don't know what intensions they have." i don't really think it has nothing to do with blindness but more so with being a girl. my dad is overprotective like that just cause im the only girl in the house.I remember dad didn't really let me live at the dorm cause he was afraid somthing will happen with me until my college counselor at the school entervened and said "you have to let her live on campus because from what i can tell she's not really able to maintain friends or even get around campus on her own if you just let her commute from class to class by driving her around I'm concerned because she's not learning how to get around the campus and that can affect her performance." and that's when mom understood and had to talk to dad into having me live on campus. let me tell you, that is the best training center because it's mainstreamed.
I even learned alittle bit how to cook in the cafeteria by one of the workers who has a son with cerebral palsey.
Well, I wasn't really sheltered. I was late in learning things like tying my shoes but my family made me learn it in the end. I didn't have many friends in my childhood so I didn't get out much apart from sometimes with the neighbours' kids, but my parents never really worried a lot. They sent me to boarding school with 13 and let me go home by train on my own with 14.
And that's great. Now I live far away, in another country. I couldn't have done that if they had sheltered me.
My fiance however was sheltered and as a consequence, he is scared of doing things on his own, because he thinks he might do it wrong.
He saw me do a few things myself though and he is now starting to do more on his own. He is starting to not always agree with his family.
It even went so far that his mum is still controlling his bank account. Which is totally unnecessary because he is not inclined to overspend anyways.
So yeah I have seen sheltered people, and it is sad.
No, I didn't know how to use the microwave for a long time, either, but that's because my parents baught a microwave with a touch screen, which is stupid, but I never talked to them about it.
to the person who said they feel sorry for those of us who were sheltered, that's not necessary. thankfully I've risen above that, and now do my best to be as self-sufficient as possible. feeling sorry for people doesn't get anyone anywhere, but empathy sure does. I realize everyone's different, but I'm glad I was able to use everything I've gone through to help mold me into the woman I am today.
okay, first let me just clear something up. when i said i feel sorry for thoes who are being sheltered, i didn't mean it as a pitty thing, because pitty never helps anyone. i meant it as, sorry that your not able to experience normal things that life has in store for us all, because your parents feel the need to keep you from it. so to the last post, i'm glad you've been able to overcome being sheltered and make a life on your own...some people just don't or won't ever do that because they're to sheltered, and to scared to do anything about it. to the poster who said that their dad is protective cause she's a girl, mine is to, and i don't think that it would have made a difference if you were blind or not. dad's are always protective of their daughters, more so if your the only girl. i have a sister, so i'm not the only girl, but my dad is still protective of us, but in different ways. wich is nice sometimes, but anoying at others. my dad has always been a bit more protective of me, because i'm the yungest child, and not necessarily because i'm blind.
also, to the poster who's partners mother has control of his bank acount, you probablly should talk her in to letting you take that over, if you plan to marry him. i don't think i'd want my mother in law keeping tabs on what is or isn't being spent, but that's just me. my mother has access to mine, (for personal reasons), but she doesn't control it, infact she'd much rather i spend more money than i do. i never used to kno how to use a microwave either, because my parents had one that had a turn dile on it...it was like one of the first ones ever made, so i could never put braille on it. now, i have one that is meant to talk, but doesn't, and it has braille under the buttons to tell me what they do.
I totally agree with you. But his mother doesn't really like me so it will be had to talk to her.
Yes, I sometimes can't believe my parents baught a touch screen microwave. We now have a talking one, and I can use that easily.
Agree with post 12. Although, my opinion about schools for the blind is that they SUCK! I go to one, trying to get out of it is a pain in the ass. My parents treat me like shit a lot of the time, and they preach philosophy from the NFB and they don't live it. Weird, huh?
I have no more comments right now - although, I may rant more on this board if anything comes up. Sorry for my ramblings-- they piss people off. I talk too much! Hey--I should be a communications major because I NEVER shut up! LOL.
Macy
Hi, my mum is over protective. She always has been. But I have a friend who is trying to teach me things like getting out and about. He taught me to use the trains. He is blind as well but can do what he wants. He is 22 years old and I am 30.
You need to prove to your mom that you can get out and about. She might give in.
sometimes trying to prove things to ones family doesn't always work; that's how it was in my case. I figured out that doing things like taking a bus somewhere had to be done during the time my mom was at work. I'd make sure to time it just right so I'd be home before her, that way, she wouldn't even know I had left.
I need to get more mobile if I want another guide dog.
Ah well you'll get their.
agree with post 32.
I am most fortunate to have had a mobility instructor when I was a young child who went far beyond his duties, and taught my mom how to protect me without sheltering me. Sure, I got a few bruises, and it was a little difficult for my parents for awhile, but if not for that, I might not be where I am today. I went to public school, communicated with the few people who were willing to do so, and coped with teachers who didn't understand, and didn't want to try. They figured my braillist was some magical being that could somehow just automatically know how to get various daily worksheets to make them accessible for me. I did P.E. mostly on my own, and when I got really gutsy, I would run without my cane or sighted help. I got knocked down several times, but the independence was worth it. I've always been a very outspoken person, and let me tell you, my parents and peers are very much aware of that! I've never had any problem teling people to get out of my way when necessary. Anyway, Now, I'm moving to a different country without my parents. They're nervous for me, but they're helping me when I need it. Otherwise, I'm on my own until I get there.
my parents were very good about letting me do things. my dad was better than my mom. when i was tiny every sunday after church we would go to a big field nere our home and eh'd let me run independently. i didn't have to worry bout getting hurt.
one of the things that i find interesting is that in the interest of being independent, some parents let their blind child do more than the sighten ones. for example, one parent told me that she let her four year old run through the parking lot at the mall on her own. frankly i was horrified. i said "do you let your sighted boy, who was now six, do that?" she said "of course not but i want my daughter to be independent." My sighted son and my blind daughter never ran through any parking lots on their own.
I was sheltered, but more at highschool by the teachers, and not my parents whitch is what most people would think.
my parents didn't want me to be sheltered, and would let me go out with friends and to their houses and so on. my dad didn't have a problem with me going late night shopping with school friends and catching the bus home when I was only 12/13.
the teachers had issues with it however, and when one of them saw me out late at night she told the head teacher about it.
but for the most part, my home life was independent and so I have no issues with it now.
Wow. I've never heard of teachers doing that sort of thing. Of course, I guess it's not as bad, considering those people aren't your guardians.
Well, I was lucky I guess. I was not sheltered at all. I learned to have a strong will and prove myself.
I think it has a lot to do with the way the parents were raised as well. I was lucky in that my family let me do what I wanted and I was not treated as disabled. I left home for my first summer to study abroad at eighteen and before that a lot of two wweek summer camp travel.
I was away alot. Camp and such.
Yeah, I did the summer camp thing too. This is only my oppinion, and others can disagree, but does anyone else besides me think that schools for the blind need to be abolished? Boy, am I glad I never went to one!!
Boy, Brenda, that's a good question. As someone who went to one many years ago, my experience was good. Now, I'm not so sure it would have been so positive for me. In my state, our school for the blind serves individuals who have other/multiple disabilities in addition to blindness. I think that in a situation like that, if an individual's only disability is blindness, I'd probably say to go to public school. The individual who is only blind, and I use this term for comparitive purposes only, would probably gain a good deal in learning about blindness-chalenges such as alternative formats and self-advocacy.
Lou
I do think they should be gotten rid of. My experience when meeting an adult blind person who attend one nowadays is they are extremely sheltered and do not know how to enteract with the sighted. They do not have schools like this in Canada that I know of.
no, I certainly don't think they should be abolished. as someone who went to one from third grade onward, I advocate that they can give kids a foundation from which to grow. my experience wasn't positive for the most part, but through such negativity, I learned to push myself. if I wasn't gonna expect the best out of myself, how could I expect others to? I dunno...maybe I'm just a rare case.
They promote separatism. And that, my friends, is what we in the business call bad.
I tend to feel the same way. I don't like schools for the blind. I've seen what can happen if a person goes only to a blind school and is never exposed to public school. I met a lady recently of about 45 through my mother's counselor. She went to schools for the blind her whole life and she's become so bitter about everything that she makes me seem like an eternal optimist, and positive thinking isn't a strong point of mine. She doesn't even think I should bother getting a job or getting off of SSI and that the voc rehab agencies are in place specifically to keep us out of work, or at least to keep us out of jobs that actually play to our strengths. Of course after talking with her I found myself wondering how much of her perceived mistreatment she brought on herself. But I think that blind schools have too much potential to foster a false sense of security, so that when the time comes to enter the "real world" the person can't really cope.
I agree with you all in that they do tend to give a false sense of security, and I'll be the first to say they're nothing like the real world.
What are they like? Do they have the same academics as regular schools?
yes, they do, as well as after school classes to help the students. they've only started that a year or so ago; they didn't have that when I went. also, the majority of the students that attend the school for the blind have additional disabilities...so there are probably more students who aren't academic than ones that are.
Niki, I have to applaud you for putting up this board topic. I'm very much enjoying this conversation, so may it continue.
I have been sheltered. There's no question about that. My mother was overprotective of me, and I kpt telling her to let me do some things on my own, but she wouldn't listen. I did go to a public school for most of my school years; I went to a blind school for 1 year. And by the way, I think that schools for the blind are the most sheltering schools you can go to, simply because they don't let you have independence, which includes going off campus to the store or to a place for a person's pleasure. I deeply regret going to that chool, and I am definitely glad that my parents brought me back home to a public school - where I graduated. I have many sighted friends who definitely admire me and what I can do. I learned to tie a shoe when I was 13, so the person who said she couldn't tie a shoe until she was 16, you're definitely not alone. I learned to button up pants when I was about 8 or 9--I can't remember for sure. But anyway, for those who are sheltered, please do not give up hope and get convinced that you can't do things on your own. We as blind people need to speak up for ourselves and show the sighted that we are normal people. We're not retarded and we're most certainly not physically disabled.
Yes indeed, and further more, we need to support each other.
I totally agree with Harrypotter on this one. Although I wasn't sheltered, it certainly doesn't mean the situation is hopeless, and don't let anybody make you feel that it is.
I agree with blw1978.
OK as a nation we agreed regarding Brown Vs. Board of Education, so why is it ok for blinks to get the shaft? I'm really glad for going to public schools not for the inspiration / independence / blah blah blah, because there are people who argue that both environments foster it, probably beneficiaries of each. That's politics.
But, at public school I could take foreign languages, go overseas with the university I attended, etc. As to the teachers that notified parents ... they'd pull that on me as well, telling my mom I wasn't down with my blindness or whatever, meaning I was just doing things ... probably making trouble as usual. Sure blind kids oughta face the same consequences as sighted, the same and no more. The problem is I think some of those instructors are sorta crusaders.
But as I've said, blind kids aren't the only ones that can be subject to sheltering. I've seen kids that as a parent, freaked me out. Due to a very strict religious upbringing, they are developmentally not there, a few fries short of a happy meal, not playin' with a full deck, insert your PC term here.
And I'll tell you, not being able to see them, but doing things based on how they act, it's hard to remember they're in their mid teens or whatever. I mean, yu have no visual cues and some of them can act about ... ten?
I remember we had a bunch of my daughter's friends over, don't remember where they were going, but I pulled my daughter aside and just told her to be sure and look out for a particular one. I thought maybe she was a tag-along sibling or something, allowed to go out with the bigger ones. Admittedly I wasn't really keeping them all straight, was doing more typical dad stuff ...getting them food and generally staying out of their way, but my daughter was rather shocked, and said "Daad, she's *MY AGE!*" and later when we talked about it, she said that the girls parents don't let her do too much.
Just sayin', sheltering is definitely very bad, and more about the shelterer than the one being sheltered, but other groups suffer from this besides just blind. And they all probably have their periah-aspects.
The encouraging thing is, at least from reading these bords, there are people who were first sheltered but have apparently been able to totally shuck it. And that is an awesome thing.
Yes it's not just the blind who often get sheltered. It's a sad sad world.